Thursday, October 16, 2008

It's Just A Little Bitty Taser Gun

With Luke's birthday coming up next week, I decided to go ahead and purchase the party decorations and game toys. Yes, that's right. GAME TOYS.

I was thinking a pocket taser stun gun would be great fun and I could even use it later as protection against a mugger or whatever. So I checked the stun guns out at Pansy's Pawn Shop yesterday over on the mainland. The one I bought is a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser aren't supposed to last long, and no long term effects at all. Just long enough so that I could get myself to safety, if necessary.

So I got the taser home and was a little disappointed that it only used 2 triple A batteries. I mean, how bad could THAT be? So I was sitting here in the living room looking around for someone or something to try it out on. The directions said that a 1 second burst would shock and disorient your assailant. A 2 second burst could cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control. And a 3 second burst would probably make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish.

In walks Luke. There he sat in his tee shirt and shorts and with his glasses on. He was none the wiser. I thought to myself, there is no way 2 little bitty triple A batteries could do anything to this great big guy. I mean, how bad could one little tiny burst be?

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

So I sat down next to Luke on the couch and smiled up to him. Oh, he is was so unsuspecting.

As he smiled back, I touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE FUCK ! ! !

I didn't see him, but I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan must have come in, picked Luke up, and body slammed him over and over and over again!

When Luke came to, he was on his side in a fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

The cat was clinging to a picture frame above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by Luke's body flopping all over our living room.

A minute or two later, after Luke had collected his wits, he sat up. His bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. His triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. His face looked like it had been shot up with novocain and he had no control over the drooling. Apparently he pooped on himself, but his sense of smell was gone, and he must have been numb from the waist down, so he didn't realize it. I saw a faint smoke cloud above his head which I believe came from his hair. We're still looking for his nuts and offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Man, that was a fun toy! I hope Luke wakes up in time for the party.

If you can't make it to the party and all the fun, send birthday cards to:

Luke Smith
110 Peachtree Street
St. Simons Island, GA 31522

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