Sunday, March 21, 2010

Girl Fight

Ahh . . . Friday night!  Yessir, I've always been a fan of Friday nights!

Years ago, when the kids were in elementary school, we always did something special every Friday night. After Minor and I got home from work, we would change clothes and get the kids cleaned up for a trip into Macon. We had a few favorite places to eat back then that was in our budget and not too expensive for a family of four and had a nice clean atmosphere. Most times, it was Shoney’s.

Shoney’s quickly became the favorite Friday night supper for us and we all looked forward to it. The kids always knew what they wanted to eat and they ate very well without any leftovers. The one request they always had was to never let the servers know if it was their birthday. They had seen and heard the loud obnoxious birthday song that was sung for the other birthday recipients and it seemed like harsh and unusual treatment to them. They wanted no part of that. . . ever! So it was, that we all agreed to never ever let any restaurant know it was any of our birthdays. Works for us, anyway. The mutilated birthday song is not worth the free chocolate fudge cake.

So it was just another Friday night after work and we had all arrived home from our respective daily responsibilities and once again we trekked into Macon to eat supper at Shoney’s. We were seated at the first booth for four on the left closest to the entrance to the restaurant. Good window seat, good food, good server. As a matter of fact, the window seat served to be the best in the house on this particular Friday night.

Kate and Minor on one side of the booth and John and myself on the other. Minor and I both are seated on the outside across from each other. Our server brought our food timely and we all chowed down and enjoyed a little family conversation with dinner.

In walks this girl and she asks the hostess if this particular friend of hers is there at work tonight. The hostess tells her yes, and she would get her for her. It just so happens that the friend this girl is looking for was also our server. So our server walks out from the kitchen and they both begin to have harsh words. I can tell you I was not prepared for what was about to take place right there in the middle of Shoney’s, about 6 feet from our table!

The girl snatches the server by the hair and slaps her in the face and head. They both begin writhing on the floor slapping, kicking, and hair pulling! (You know how girls fight.)

I looked at Minor and he looked at me. "WTH? Should we get somebody?", I asked him. "No. Just keep eating.", he answered.

Kate and John never knew. Hmmmm. We’re pretty good like that. You know, not letting on to the kids that anything is out of the ordinary. Tee Hee!

Anyway, the restaurant manager intervened before there was any blood or knives drawn. No gunfire or anything. Just a good old fashioned girl fight.

Since our server didn’t come back to give us our ticket, we’re guessing she was fired.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Lizards and Frogs and ......More Lizards, Oh My!

I have a love hate relationship with frogs and lizards. They are so cute and the green ones are my favorites. Frogs have the cutest little bitty hops and lizards are so beautiful with their long sleek bodies. They are both beautiful little members of the reptile and amphibian families……….in pictures.   In fact, pictures of lizards of one of my favorites things!  And I've been in love with Kermit T. Frog for YEARS!

The problem is……I’m scared to death of them. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone being bit by a lizard or a frog, but I just don’t want them to touch me. It’s not that I think they will hurt me….it’s that I know I will hurt myself, trying to get out of their way.

I remember once when we first moved to St. Simons Island, I was keeping Ryan during the day so Kate could work, and both Ryan and I were upstairs cleaning and I needed to go back downstairs for something. I scooped Ryan up in my arms and we headed down the steps……to be met by a LIZARD standing on the 3rd step from the top! He stopped me dead in my tracks and I fell backwards onto the top step with Ryan in my arms. Ouch!

I didn’t know what to do!!! That lizard had both of us trapped upstairs with no way out unless we climbed out of the window onto the roof and shimmied down the porch rail. I could have called 911 to come rescue us, but I had a feeling that might not go over too well with the rescue people, who I’m guessing, have no sympathy for anyone who might be afraid of a lizard.

My heart was racing as I backed myself back up the steps. I had to figure something out! Think, think, think…. OK…. I’ll KILL it! I looked around and didn’t see anything I could kill a lizard with. Nothing! Think, think, think……OK….

I had a small wooden shelf on the wall in the hallway upstairs, so I took the shelf down and peeped down the steps at the lizard. He had moved UP a step….closer to us! Yikes! I had to work fast! I rared back with the wooden shelf and beat the lizard over and over until I was satisfied that he was dead and could no longer cause me to hurt myself.

Whew! I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I looked at the shelf and unfortunately it must have busted on the last wallop. It was broken completely in half….casualty of war, I guess.

By now, Ryan must have thought I had lost my mind, but he was too little to tell anyone………. so whatever. I scooped him up again and we headed downstairs. The coast was clear and I had saved both of us.

Does anyone need a Zoloft, Prozac, or Paxil?

A little while later, I needed to go back upstairs for something… be met by none other than the same lizard! YES! That damn lizard came back alive! He had played dead all along (maybe so I would stop pounding him with the wooden shelf). There he was standing on the bottom landing staring up at me! YES! He was daring me to go back upstairs.

I waited for Minor to get home to let him take care of the lizard……I had had enough of that lizard for the day, and I honestly didn’t think my heart could handle anymore. So when Minor walked in, I told him all about my horrible experience with the lizard that day.

His reply was, “Babe, he was just trying to get down the steps and out the door…..away from a crazy woman that was beating the shit out of him.”

Where's a good cat, when you need one?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Cupid.....Draw Back Your Bow

Since Valentine’s Day is coming up soon, I’m going to play it safe and just flat out tell Minor what I want. I know….it doesn’t sound very romantic….. But let’s just face it…we’ve spent 34 Valentine Days together and I haven’t been surprised yet, so I don’t expect it will happen this year either.

In fact……I remember a few years back when the kids were in school…….

We didn’t really have much money and flowers and jewelry were so expensive and candy was so fattening…..I told Minor not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day since I really didn’t want any candy and flowers would just end up dying. He asked me if I was sure about it, and I said yes, it just seemed like such a waste of money. I knew he loved me, so that was really all I cared about. So he agreed.

Valentine’s Day rolled around and all the women at work received flowers from their husband’s or boyfriend’s that day. Flowers were rolling in all day long delivered all over the bank……but none for me. By the end of the day, it seemed like every woman there had flowers or balloons or candy or SOMETHING delivered to her……except me. I knew I had told Minor ahead of time NOT to send me anything, but now I was feeling a bit left out of the hoopla.

Don’t judge me……...I think my hormones were screwed up that day……… Once that happens, I’m not responsible for anything I say or do from that point on. It’s a known fact and my family is well aware of this. So just read…don’t judge.

On my way home….I was feeling all sad and down…..but then I thought about how much I knew Minor loved me and he was sure to have bought me something and he was probably going to bring it home with him tonight! Yay!! I knew he would never let a Valentine’s Day go by without getting me SOMETHING….no matter what I had told him before. He would probably surprise me after supper with flowers or candy or jewelry….. Of course he would!

Supper came and went and just like all the rest of the days of the year, Minor sat down in his easy chair and watched TV, while the kids did homework on the dining room table. No Valentine’s Day gift for me….. I laid down on my bed and cried into my pillow. Oh woe is me……

Just then, John walked by my bedroom door and saw me crying. He came in and sat on the bed next to me and asked, “Mama….what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

*sniff, sniff* “I’m crying because today is Valentine’s Day and Daddy didn’t get me anything. Everyone at work got something, except me.”, I said.

John immediately got up and walked directly to Minor sitting in front of the TV and said, “Daddy, why didn’t you get Mama something for Valentine’s Day? You hurt her feelings and now she is in the bedroom crying.”

Minor was completely SPEECHLESS………..

He got up and came into the bedroom with John and Kate, both on his heels. Sitting on the side of the bed, he pleaded his case, “Baby, I thought you said you didn’t want me to get you anything.”

*sniff, sniff* “I know…..but I changed my mind. I didn’t know you really WOULDN’T get me anything.”, *sniff, sniff*, I cried.

John interrupted, “She changed her mind, Daddy. You should have gotten her something.”.

“So…….no means yes?”, Minor asked.

“Yes.”*sniff, sniff*, I answered.

He hugged me and we both giggled a little. But most importantly, he has NEVER let Valentine’s Day go by again without getting me something……no matter what I say ahead of time.

That day is now referred to as, “The Valentine’s Day that I told Minor not to get me anything…….and so he DIDN’T!!!!!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Just Please Keep That Stuff Hidden!!!

When my kids were young, I tried so hard to protect them from the bullies and the bad guys. I knew it was a matter of time before their minds would be infiltrated.  I couldn’t be with them every minute. I could only hope that I had taught them right from wrong at home and that they would carry it with them.

I was always very protective of my children and tried extra hard to be completely sure of any influences in their lives. But I’m here to tell you, that no matter how much you try to make sure everything is kosher….it never is.

We never had anyone other than my parents or Minor’s parents keep Kate and John. If they were unable to keep them for some reason, then Minor and I stayed home. This arrangement truly worked for us and for the grandparents, as well. It relieved a lot of stress on me because I knew my parents would care for my children as well as they cared for me, if not better. And the same went for Minor’s parents. It was the perfect situation! ………or so I thought.

John was in 3rd grade and Kate was in 5th grade and rode the big yellow school bus to my parent’s house every afternoon. They stayed with Daddy until about 5:30 or 6:00pm, when I arrived to pick them up. Most days, they watched cartoons while Daddy dozed in his easy chair. They were old enough to fix themselves a snack, if they wanted it, and clean up after themselves, as well. Daddy had a golf cart that he sometimes rode them around the neighborhood on and they would all pile in with dog and take a ride. They loved being at Mimi and Pa’s house and couldn’t wait to go there each day.

One morning upon entering my office at the bank, my phone was already ringing. The bank had not even opened yet… would have to be someone who had my direct phone line. So I answered immediately and was taken completely by surprise when it was the elementary school principal at Kate and John’s school.

“Is this Mrs. Pryor?” he questioned.

“Yes, it is.”, I answered.

“I’m sorry to have to call you at work, but you are going to have to come to the school immediately. It seems that your son, John, was caught handing out pornography on the school bus this morning.”, he said.

*long silence* “……………………………….excuse me, what did you say?, I asked.

My brain could not compute the words I had just heard…… I felt the color leave my face….. I began to get nauseated….. I felt weak and had to sit down….. tears began to fill my eyes. There were several other people standing in my office and they witnessed an entire body change before them and became silent, except for a whisper among them, “It must be bad.”.

The principal repeated himself and although I was barely able to speak, with a quivering voice, I asked, “Are you sure? Are you sure it was MY son?”.

“Yes, maam. The bus driver saw him and reported it. She said he had a deck of cards with naked women on them….pornography. He was passing them around to the other kids on the bus.”, he answered.

“Where did he get them? Did he say where he got them?”, I asked.

“Yes, maam. He said they came from his grandparents house.”, he answered. “And you will need to come to the school immediately and pick them up. You may want to bring Mr. Pryor, as well." he said.

I hung the phone up slowly……… I looked up to see everyone in my office waiting around my desk to hear what had happened.

I paused for a moment and took a deep breath. I was in shock and my voice quivered as I told them I had to go….that John had been caught on the school bus with a deck of pornography cards and the principal said I had to come pick them up now. The men in the office tried not to laugh and the women were just glad it wasn’t their son.

I called Minor and told him the news and we met at home and drove to the school together. On the way over to the school, I called my Mama and told her what was going on. Her response was, “Oh, yeah…..those are the cards I bought for your Daddy when we were in Tennessee last month. Do you need me to explain that to the principal? I’ll come up there right now! I don’t even know where the cards were…..”

“No, Mama. I don’t need you to come to the school. Minor and I are handling it.   Just, just, please keep that stuff hidden…..okay?”, I answered.

So Minor and I entered the school as though we had committed a crime, and we, along with my parents were now being investigated for distributing pornography to underage children.

We walked into the Principal’s office and as we sat down, he closed the door. He sat back down across the desk from us and told us the same story over again as we remained silent. He said he had already talked to John and needed to give the cards to us. He then slid the deck of cards that were now sealed inside an envelope, across the desk to Minor and said, “You might want to take these.”

We apologized and more or less confessed our sins as bad parents who obviously had bad parents, as well……..and left.

As we got to our car, I turned to Minor and said, “Give me that envelope……..I’m dying to see what the hell this is all about!”

I had imagined all sorts of things that could be on those cards. And to make matters worse, my sweet little 8 year old had seen it, too! His innocence would be gone forever……and at the mercy of my own parents!

As I opened the envelope and pulled out the cards, this is what I saw………

Yes! Girly cards……somewhat revealing, but this was not what I considered pornography! What rock had that Principal been under?

Now…..I am not by any means approving of my 8 year old showing girly cards around on the school bus, but let’s face it people, there is so much worse out there to pass around the school bus. I was so relieved that the cards weren’t hard core porn, that I had to laugh.

When John got home from school, Minor and I talked to him about the seriousness of what had happened.

This was his story in a time line.......and completely backed up by Kate.

• Kate found the cards under the sofa at Mimi and Pa’s house the day before.

• Just then, I arrived at Mimi and Pa’s to pick the kids up.

• Kate didn’t have her book bag with her, so she hurriedly stuffed the cards into John’s book bag and she would look at them when she got home. John was oblivious.

• Next morning on the school bus, John opened his book bag to get a pencil out and saw the cards.

• He pulled the cards out to see what they were and other kids saw them, as well.

• A girl on the seat behind them saw what was going on and she told the bus driver.

And that’s the story. One thing I know……..never say never.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Shake Shake Shake Your PEA-nut

Is it STILL January?  How long can one cold month last? 

Hurry Spring......I need you sooo!

Talking on the phone to Kate recently, she was telling me about Ryan having been sick during the night.  He was a sick little puppy.......break out the hand sanitizer! 

Ryan had complained of a tummy ache that day but was not running a temperature.  Didn't take too long during the night before he was violently ill and not feeling well at all.  No school for this little guy!

Kate propped him up on the couch with pillows and turned the TV on cartoons.  Funny thing about kids...if they are feeling better, you will know it pretty quickly.

After several hours passed, Ryan jumped up and sang, "Shake shake shake your PEA-nut".

Kate hugged him and said, "I wish I was as cute as you are."

"You CAN be! All you have to do is wish on a star!", he answered with all the confidence in the world.

Oh, how I miss that little boy!

Monday, January 25, 2010

It's SO Freaking Complicated!

I love going to the movies…..the popcorn is the best ever…the diet coke with crushed ice is oh so good…and topping it off with a Kit Kat bar is all anyone could ask for.

It’s so much fun to get there early and choose any seat in the whole theatre. I especially like to sit on an aisle seat because I always need to go the bathroom and absolutely hate having to step over people trying to get to the aisle. I could easily end up in some strange guy’s lap like that, so I don’t take chances on it. That has actually happened to me and I didn’t particularly like the smile on the guy’s face.

In fact, thinking back on it, he may have tripped me on purpose. Ahem……well, that’s another blog.

So Minor and I decided on dinner and a movie for our anniversary. I had heard “It’s Complicated” was still playing in town, so I checked the movie schedules and we could make the 4:45 pm show and go to dinner afterwards.

We arrived at the theatre a little later than usual and it was also a bit crowded, so Minor asked why didn’t I just go ahead and find us seats and he would stand in the long line for popcorn and diet cokes. Suited me just fine so he went with me to see where I would be sitting and proceeded on to the snack bar.

I chose an aisle seat about midway down and there were many more seats along side me so there would be no problem saving a seat for Minor. As I sat back in the heavily cushioned theatre seat, I watched the upcoming movie trailers and advertisements as well as the reminder to turn my cell phone off…….which I did.

Looking around, I noticed the theatre was beginning to fill up quickly and the row I was on began to fill up as well. I decided to place my purse in the seat next to me just to make sure that it would be obvious that I was saving that seat. I knew the snack bar line was long, and I was wishing Minor would hurry up.

Just as the theatre lights began to dim and the movie began, a woman nudged my aisle-side arm and began to worm her way in front of me………to sit in the seat I was saving for Minor!

Couldn’t she see I was saving that seat with my pocketbook? Alright……it was black……and it was dark in there……but give me a break, lady…..of all the empty seats in this theatre, why do you want to sit in the seat next to ME? WTH, lady?

Just then, I looked up to see Minor standing there with his arms full of popcorn and cokes, waiting to see if he had a place to sit.

I looked at the lady and as politely as I could say it, I whispered, “This is my husband’s seat and he is standing right here.” I was instantly reminded of the baby bear telling Mama and Papa Bear that someone was in his bed and she’s RIGHT HERE!

“Oh, I’m sorry.”, the lady whispered back to me ……….and then she proceeded to sit in the next seat over. Still a weird choice, as far as I was concerned. Why would anyone sit right up on a complete stranger in a theatre when there are plenty of empty seats everywhere? I don’t get it…..but there are lots of things I don’t get anymore.

Anyway, you may not know this, but Minor is a fairly big guy and he likes his arm room……..and it appeared this lady liked her arm room as well. SHE got the arm rest and Minor had to lean in on my side the entire movie. And to top it off, we are sitting there watching the movie and all of a sudden I hear someone’s cell phone ringing. I turned to Minor and whispered, “WTH?” He whispered back, “I think it’s on the movie.” “No it’s not”,as I nodded my head toward the lady digging in her purse for her phone.

I thought everyone on the planet knew that you had to turn your cell phone off in the theatre! I guess I should be thankful she didn’t have to get up for a bathroom break during the movie and end up in Minor’s lap.

As we left the theatre, Minor turned to me and said, “Next time, I’ll pick the seats.”

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Great Escape

My parents are both in a nursing home about 4 hours away from me and although Daddy is as content as can be, just to be there, it’s an entirely different story for my Mama. She has what my Daddy has always referred to as “go-itis”. If she gets the urge to go, she will find a way to get there......

I have a brother that lives nearby in the same city as the nursing home and ends up doing all the little errands and duties that Mama has for him. He is a saint in my book because he never complains but takes it all in stride and never lets anything bug him.

Not too many Sunday’s back, Mama called my brother, Micah on the phone and said she just needed to get out for awhile and could he come get her to spend a few hours at his house. Of course Micah didn’t mind at all and agreed to pick her up that afternoon.

Micah may have been feeling somewhat obligated…… which is how Mama prefers it to be. When Mama moved into the nursing home, she no longer could have her own car, so she gave her car to Micah, who needed another car desperately with his teenagers coming of driving age. So it all worked out fine that Micah would take her car.

So Micah picks Mama up from the nursing home on this particular Sunday afternoon to spend the day with him. One little bitty problem though, you see, Micah works shift work and had been working all night. Now he needed to sleep.

“Oh don’t worry.”, Mama said. “I’ll be fine. You just go ahead and sleep and I’ll just be here entertaining myself while you get some rest.”

After about 30 minutes, Micah was sound asleep…..and Mama got the “go-it is”. She decided she wanted to visit one of her friends. She knew she should probably at least let Micah know, so she stirred him just a little and told him where she was going to be.

“Micah, I’m going to visit Lois for awhile. I’ll see you later.”, she whispered.

You should also know that one of the reasons that Micah is so good about taking everything in stride with Mama is because he just lets her do whatever she wants, to keep her happy. Never even entered his mind that she maybe shouldn’t be driving.

So Mama gets Micah’s car keys and drives to Lois’ house……spends an hour or so there, chatting and and discussing everything under the sun.

And that’s not all…..then she decides she might like to go to the evening service at church… know, while she’s out and about and everything.

So she did. She drove herself to church that evening and then back to the nursing home that night. She then called Micah to let him know that she was back at the nursing home and she would get the car back to him tomorrow.

What she didn’t know was ………..that somebody told on her.

“Miss Emilie, you know you are not supposed to be driving a car around town.”, the Doctor told her.

“But I can drive just fine. I can drive. I can.”, she pleaded.

“I know you think you can, Miss Emilie, but you cannot be driving yourself anymore.”, he explained.

Tears began to well in her eyes, and she promised him she wouldn’t drive again.

“But I still think I did just fine.”, she reiterated.

* * * *

I didn’t know about the incident until after the fact……and it’s probably just as well. She would have never let me off as easily as she let that Doctor off. Better him than me or one of my siblings.

And I truly am sorry that Mama had to give up her very last amount of freedom. She has always had that control and it’s now gone. She is totally dependent on others to take care of her needs.

If we live long enough, we may all find ourselves in Mama’s shoes.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Lipstick On Your Collar...Told A Tale On You

I’m a partier from way back. I get it honestly from my Mama who started us off as kids with tea parties in the back yard. With dolls and teddy bears as our guests, we wore dress up clothes and drank kool-aid out of china cups as well as ate vanilla wafers on china plates. Our boxer dog, named Dixie, also endured the wrath of a doll dress to attend the affair.

Most often, my sister and I would coax our little brother into playing with us by offering him additional vanilla wafers and kool-aid, but that never lasted long, and he would be off to the backyard swing.

Which, by the way, was just that…….ONE backyard swing. There were three of us kids, but we only had one rope swing in the back yard. It was a GREAT swing, too! My Daddy had fashioned this swing from a big thick rope and a board with a hole in the center for the rope and a knot tied underneath. It was the most awesome swing ANYWHERE. In fact, each morning when we woke up, we called shotgun on the swing. Only thing was, if you had to pee, your turn was over. Next person in line got the swing……until they had to pee.

Anyway, as I was saying…….parties are my thing. Which is why wedding and elopement planning fits me perfectly! I love it all……right down to the fine details. I want everybody to have the most fabulous time and leave feeling like they can’t wait for the next one! ………But that’s just me.

I remember several years back, when I was a banker, our bank hosted the annual Business After Hours Christmas party every year. It was always fabulous with the best in ordirves’, drinks, mixing, and mingling, and of course the most beautiful Christmas decorations you’ve ever seen adorned our Bank lobby. It was truly the “event” of the year for the local Chamber of Commerce and our bank welcomed the opportunity.

On one such Christmas party, I was mixing and mingling and having a good time. All of my banking buddies were there as well, and since we had been working all day, we took the opportunity to….how should I say….get down with our bad selves. Ha! You have to remember, our customers were also there as well as our bosses! There was not too much getting down with our bad selves, unless we were willing to risk our jobs.

So I had this good friend/banking buddy, let’s just call him Gary, that had recently married and he was at the party, as well. Gary was easy going and laid back and had a few drinks like the rest of us, and because he had recently married, he found himself being greeted by lots of women, very good looking women, I might add, with congratulation wishes on his recent marriage. And thus, being the recipient of lots of hugs and kisses from most of them. One particular female came in pretty close on him and left lipstick on his collar. Let me tell you, the rest of us laughed and laughed about it because we knew how jealous his new wife was and although he was totally innocent, he surely would have some explaining to do when he got home that night.

Why is it so much funnier when someone else has the problem?

Next morning, I couldn’t wait to find out how my buddy, Gary had faired with the wife and the lipstick on his collar.

Me: “Hey Gary, what did your wife say about the lipstick on your collar?”

Gary: “Oh, I took care of that. She didn’t see it.”

Me: “How did she miss it?”

Gary: “I took my shirt off before I left the party and threw it out of the car window on my way home…….. It’s all good.”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

Gary: “Nope! I hated it, because it was a brand new dress shirt, but it had to go. It’s somewhere along the side of the road along Vineville Avenue now.”

I never forgot Gary’s solution to lipstick on his collar. 25 years later, we still laugh about that night and the chick that purposely put lipstick on his collar, knowing full well that he had to go home to a brand new wife that night.

And the married guy’s solution to Lipstick on your collar still works today.

Monday, January 18, 2010

First Comes Love...Then Comes Marriage

Most of you know that I am a wedding planner and run a wedding & elopement planning business here on St. Simons Island. Along with planning weddings, I also officiate most of the elopements.  It is truly the best job in the world, as my clients are all in love. Most often the couples walk around in a daze and usually hear love birds cooing and have pink hearts floating in their aura. Their eyes are fixated on each other and whatever the other wants is perfectly fine. Wedded bliss is upon them. Oh, how I love people in love!

So when my phone rang last night at 11:15 pm, as I watched the Golden Globe Awards from my laptop and tweeted on Twitter, I was not too surprised that it might be someone wanting to plan a wedding. Yes, it was pretty late…..but typically, people in love do not keep up with the time.

The surprise was that planning a wedding was not at all what they had in mind…….they wanted to get married right NOW.

Me: “Now? ......Tonight?”

Him: “Yes, tonight!”

Me: “But why do you have to get married tonight?”

Him: “We are so in love….we just can’t wait any longer.”

Me: “Are you over 18? Do you have your ID? Do you have your marriage license? Are you sober? Where do you live? How long will it take you to get here?”

So after giving them the basic, “Are you sure you want to do this…20 questions deal”, I was convinced, and gave them directions to my house. I say I was convinced, but not before I hung up and called Luke to see if he was playing a joke on me. I DO have to watch my back, you know.

It was Sunday and I had been lazy all day. Napping, playing on FB, Twittering, watching a little football on TV, doing basically…… nothing……which is exactly the way I like it. Except now, I was making a mad dash for the shower while Minor straightened up the living room. I’m just glad I didn’t have to wake Minor up to help me…….because you know I would.

Before they arrived, I had time to go over the brief ceremony in my trusty little brown wedding handbook and also prepare a marriage certificate.

It was 12:45am when the couple arrived, along with the bride’s sister and best friend. They were all dressed in jeans and shirts and feeling very excited and a little giddy. I took their information and instructed everyone as to where they should stand and explained that although this was a very brief ceremony, I encouraged them to listen carefully to the vows as I read them and as they repeated them to each other.

I spoke to them of how God created and designed marriage in his wisdom to enable us to handle the difficulties of life as well as to be a source of companionship and joy…….. of how they should honor Christ and have patience and sacrifice for each other as they come to this new life together.

They were both very emotional and looked intently into each other’s eyes as they repeated their vows. They promised before God and their witnesses to be loving and faithful, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, for as long as they both shall live. Completing the ceremony, I said a prayer for God to strengthen and guide them by His Word and His Spirit that they would be faithful to Him and to each other. I then pronounced them husband and wife and they kissed.

I love my job.

Mr. & Mrs. William Joseph Harner
St. Simons Island, Georgia

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Semi Trucks and Sex On The Beach

I could use a vacation…….doesn’t really matter where, just a weekend get-a-way would be quite enjoyable. Just to sit and relax with a book and a blanket and maybe a glass or two of wine. You know….let someone else wait on me…..SCREECH!!!!!!!!!!! ………..I know.

Minor already waits on me….cooks all my meals…does all the grocery shopping…pays the bills…washes his own clothes…etc. Minor is wonderful to me, but he doesn’t do vacations very well. He loves his work and his responsibilities there and takes them very seriously. Since he never knows when his health issues may cause him to be away from work, he will almost NEVER let me plan a vacation.

He hasn’t always been like that. There was a time when I was the one that it took some coaxing just to get me on a summer vacation with the family. I wanted to go, but getting me there was the problem. Once there, I absolutely enjoyed it, but the trip there was torture. All I could think about was what I forgot to pack, how sad the pets would be without us, and heaven forbid…..what if there was a family emergency and I was not there to take care of it? My mind would be reeling with everything and anything that could happen.

Minor and the kids knew how keyed up I always got, so they would arrange everything so all I had to do was get in the car. And with any luck, fall asleep and by the time I woke up, we would be at our destination. Now isn’t that sweet? You’d THINK so……. Let me just say, nothing comes without a price.

So was the case on one particular vacation trip years ago. I was sleeping soundly in the passenger seat, with my pillow…..dreaming of seagulls and ocean breezes… tubs and spa treatments… guys and………and…….. sex on the beach….and…….


If I jumped an inch, I jumped at least a foot off of the seat! “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”, I yelled.

Minor, Kate, and John, all three, looked at me with a blank, as though they had swallowed the canary. It was obvious that they all KNEW what was going on, but nobody was brave enough to step forward with the truth.

Trying not to laugh, Minor said, “They didn’t mean to do it..”

“WHAT DID YA’LL DO?”, I asked, as I turned to the backseat and evil eyed the two of them.

They both began to smirk a smile and Kate opened up with, “Well, you know how you told us how you could do this arm motion to those big truck drivers and sometimes they will honk their horn? Well, that truck driver knew what that meant!”

It seems that Kate and John were in the backseat, over at the car window, arm motioning the truck driver like CRAZY! So when the truck driver noticed them he just pulled his horn chain REPEATEDLY…….right at my passenger side door. I’m sure he enjoyed the hell out of THAT! Thanks a LOT, buddy! If my window had been open, I might have completely jumped out of the car.

*sniff, sniff* I was about to cry. I had just had the crap scared out of me and my heart was about to jump out of my chest….

I looked at all three of them as they giggled……. even Minor was laughing.

I’m so much entertainment for my family.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm A Believer.....Or At Least Mama Is

I came from a long line of “believers”.  And when I say “believers”, I mean the “psychic” kind.  As a child, Santa Claus left me an 8 ball to give me direction for my life.  A few years later, my Mama taught me to read fortunes with a deck of cards and a book of meanings.  Later on, a ouija board became my key to the psychic world.  And who knew you could get all the answers for your life for ony $9.99 at the local K-Mart?  What a deal!!

So it didn’t surprise me one bit when my Mama came by to pick me up on her way to her appointment with her personal psychic.  She had it all planned out……

I was pregnant with Kate at the time and due any day so Mama decided that she would help me out by taking me to her personal psychic to get the scoop on this baby.  Finally, after her insistence on me going along, I said, WTH, and stuffed myself into the front seat of her car…..which is another obstacle in itself, since Mama is only 4’10” and has the seat pulled up under the windshield. 

On the way there, Mama gives me all the details of this personal psychic guy and how he knows all these things that no one else could possibly know.  She rattles on, “He is not like all the rest of the psychic’s out there, just trying to get your money.  Oh no, he doesn’t need your money!  He has plenty of money!  And I think he gives me a better price than he gives everyone else, too.  He only charges me $5 for a complete reading.  I can probably get the same price for you, too, since you’re my daughter.”

As Mama goes on and on……I begin to stare out the passenger window, wondering where I lost control of my life.  Here I am, 10 months pregnant, on my way to a psychic’s house with my Mama.

I knew something was not quite right the second we turned into the housing complex.  Every apartment building was exactly the same and each included no less than a dozen children playing outside with 2 bicycles each.  After we drove the entire complex, it became obvious to me that Mama didn’t remember which apartment this psychic guy lived in.  GREAT!  “Mama, let’s just go home and come back another time.”, I begged.  “No, no, no!  I’ll find it in a minute!”, she replied.

And she did.  It was the apartment that had 10 people standing in line outside in the hot sun waiting to go in.  So Mama parked her car, and kept reassuring me that it was going to be fine. 

As we took our place in the back of the line, a heavy set older woman in a floral print cotton house dress, no make up, hair twisted up in sponge curlers, came to the screen door and said the Reverend could see 2 more.  At least the line was moving quickly. 

Mama caught the woman before she shut the door and said, “Excuse me, but my daughter is pregnant and due any day…..could she sit down inside where it’s cooler to wait?”  I took a deep breath and said, “No, Mama, I’m fine….really.”  Just then, the fat lady at the door answered with, “I guess so.”

So I followed Mama inside, ahead of all the other “believer’s” waiting in line, to a tiny little room with green tiled floor, wood paneling on the walls, aluminum folding chairs, and a floor fan.  An 8 X 10 walmart framed picture of Jesus was hung crooked on the wall among faded out pictures of someone’s kids.

Mama picked up an Enquirer magazine that was on an end table and made herself comfortable.  I just wanted this to be over with.
I leaned over and whispered to Mama, “I thought you said this guy had money.”

“Oh, he does!  He just doesn’t want anyone to know.”, she answered.

I just nodded my head and said, “Oh.”

Just then, the door to the Reverend’s room opened and a middle aged woman came out along with the Reverend.  He walked her to the door and shook her hand goodbye.

The Reverend was an older man in his late 70’s and not at all what I was expecting a Psychic to look like.  He went back to his room and the fat lady in introduced me to the Reverend and he began telling me that I was pregnant and would deliver any day.  It would be a fine healthy baby and probably a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.  

It was damned obvious that I was pregnant and due any day.  I have blonde hair and blue eyes, so that was a pretty good guess, and he at least had a 50/50 chance of getting the sex right.  I’m not sure how long he talked, and I don’t really remember anything earth shattering.

I paid my $5 and Mama and I left.  She talked the entire way back to my house of her experiences with the Reverend and his Psychic ability.  I was just glad to finally get home. 

And yes, the Reverend’s predictions were all correct.  Imagine that.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Just Jump

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much... for fear that the other person does not care as much, or doesn't care at all. But if you truly care for them.....does it really matter? I don't think so.

Sometimes, the most important things are the hardest to say. We should never be afraid to tell someone we love them. If we tell them we love them, they might break our heart... but if we don't tell them, we might break theirs.

Life is all about risks and it requires us to jump.

I don't want to ever look back and wonder what relationships I could have mended, or what relationships I may have missed out on. No one waits forever...

When you love someone, say it. Say it right away, or the moment just passes you by and you may never get the chance again.

People live....... but people die.