Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Shake Shake Shake Your PEA-nut

Is it STILL January?  How long can one cold month last? 

Hurry Spring......I need you sooo!

Talking on the phone to Kate recently, she was telling me about Ryan having been sick during the night.  He was a sick little puppy.......break out the hand sanitizer! 

Ryan had complained of a tummy ache that day but was not running a temperature.  Didn't take too long during the night before he was violently ill and not feeling well at all.  No school for this little guy!

Kate propped him up on the couch with pillows and turned the TV on cartoons.  Funny thing about kids...if they are feeling better, you will know it pretty quickly.

After several hours passed, Ryan jumped up and sang, "Shake shake shake your PEA-nut".

Kate hugged him and said, "I wish I was as cute as you are."

"You CAN be! All you have to do is wish on a star!", he answered with all the confidence in the world.

Oh, how I miss that little boy!

Monday, January 25, 2010

It's SO Freaking Complicated!

I love going to the movies…..the popcorn is the best ever…the diet coke with crushed ice is oh so good…and topping it off with a Kit Kat bar is all anyone could ask for.

It’s so much fun to get there early and choose any seat in the whole theatre. I especially like to sit on an aisle seat because I always need to go the bathroom and absolutely hate having to step over people trying to get to the aisle. I could easily end up in some strange guy’s lap like that, so I don’t take chances on it. That has actually happened to me and I didn’t particularly like the smile on the guy’s face.

In fact, thinking back on it, he may have tripped me on purpose. Ahem……well, that’s another blog.

So Minor and I decided on dinner and a movie for our anniversary. I had heard “It’s Complicated” was still playing in town, so I checked the movie schedules and we could make the 4:45 pm show and go to dinner afterwards.

We arrived at the theatre a little later than usual and it was also a bit crowded, so Minor asked why didn’t I just go ahead and find us seats and he would stand in the long line for popcorn and diet cokes. Suited me just fine so he went with me to see where I would be sitting and proceeded on to the snack bar.

I chose an aisle seat about midway down and there were many more seats along side me so there would be no problem saving a seat for Minor. As I sat back in the heavily cushioned theatre seat, I watched the upcoming movie trailers and advertisements as well as the reminder to turn my cell phone off…….which I did.

Looking around, I noticed the theatre was beginning to fill up quickly and the row I was on began to fill up as well. I decided to place my purse in the seat next to me just to make sure that it would be obvious that I was saving that seat. I knew the snack bar line was long, and I was wishing Minor would hurry up.

Just as the theatre lights began to dim and the movie began, a woman nudged my aisle-side arm and began to worm her way in front of me………to sit in the seat I was saving for Minor!

Couldn’t she see I was saving that seat with my pocketbook? Alright……it was black……and it was dark in there……but give me a break, lady…..of all the empty seats in this theatre, why do you want to sit in the seat next to ME? WTH, lady?

Just then, I looked up to see Minor standing there with his arms full of popcorn and cokes, waiting to see if he had a place to sit.

I looked at the lady and as politely as I could say it, I whispered, “This is my husband’s seat and he is standing right here.” I was instantly reminded of the baby bear telling Mama and Papa Bear that someone was in his bed and she’s RIGHT HERE!

“Oh, I’m sorry.”, the lady whispered back to me ……….and then she proceeded to sit in the next seat over. Still a weird choice, as far as I was concerned. Why would anyone sit right up on a complete stranger in a theatre when there are plenty of empty seats everywhere? I don’t get it…..but there are lots of things I don’t get anymore.

Anyway, you may not know this, but Minor is a fairly big guy and he likes his arm room……..and it appeared this lady liked her arm room as well. SHE got the arm rest and Minor had to lean in on my side the entire movie. And to top it off, we are sitting there watching the movie and all of a sudden I hear someone’s cell phone ringing. I turned to Minor and whispered, “WTH?” He whispered back, “I think it’s on the movie.” “No it’s not”,as I nodded my head toward the lady digging in her purse for her phone.

I thought everyone on the planet knew that you had to turn your cell phone off in the theatre! I guess I should be thankful she didn’t have to get up for a bathroom break during the movie and end up in Minor’s lap.

As we left the theatre, Minor turned to me and said, “Next time, I’ll pick the seats.”

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Great Escape

My parents are both in a nursing home about 4 hours away from me and although Daddy is as content as can be, just to be there, it’s an entirely different story for my Mama. She has what my Daddy has always referred to as “go-itis”. If she gets the urge to go, she will find a way to get there......

I have a brother that lives nearby in the same city as the nursing home and ends up doing all the little errands and duties that Mama has for him. He is a saint in my book because he never complains but takes it all in stride and never lets anything bug him.

Not too many Sunday’s back, Mama called my brother, Micah on the phone and said she just needed to get out for awhile and could he come get her to spend a few hours at his house. Of course Micah didn’t mind at all and agreed to pick her up that afternoon.

Micah may have been feeling somewhat obligated…… which is how Mama prefers it to be. When Mama moved into the nursing home, she no longer could have her own car, so she gave her car to Micah, who needed another car desperately with his teenagers coming of driving age. So it all worked out fine that Micah would take her car.

So Micah picks Mama up from the nursing home on this particular Sunday afternoon to spend the day with him. One little bitty problem though, you see, Micah works shift work and had been working all night. Now he needed to sleep.

“Oh don’t worry.”, Mama said. “I’ll be fine. You just go ahead and sleep and I’ll just be here entertaining myself while you get some rest.”

After about 30 minutes, Micah was sound asleep…..and Mama got the “go-it is”. She decided she wanted to visit one of her friends. She knew she should probably at least let Micah know, so she stirred him just a little and told him where she was going to be.

“Micah, I’m going to visit Lois for awhile. I’ll see you later.”, she whispered.

You should also know that one of the reasons that Micah is so good about taking everything in stride with Mama is because he just lets her do whatever she wants, to keep her happy. Never even entered his mind that she maybe shouldn’t be driving.

So Mama gets Micah’s car keys and drives to Lois’ house……spends an hour or so there, chatting and and discussing everything under the sun.

And that’s not all…..then she decides she might like to go to the evening service at church… know, while she’s out and about and everything.

So she did. She drove herself to church that evening and then back to the nursing home that night. She then called Micah to let him know that she was back at the nursing home and she would get the car back to him tomorrow.

What she didn’t know was ………..that somebody told on her.

“Miss Emilie, you know you are not supposed to be driving a car around town.”, the Doctor told her.

“But I can drive just fine. I can drive. I can.”, she pleaded.

“I know you think you can, Miss Emilie, but you cannot be driving yourself anymore.”, he explained.

Tears began to well in her eyes, and she promised him she wouldn’t drive again.

“But I still think I did just fine.”, she reiterated.

* * * *

I didn’t know about the incident until after the fact……and it’s probably just as well. She would have never let me off as easily as she let that Doctor off. Better him than me or one of my siblings.

And I truly am sorry that Mama had to give up her very last amount of freedom. She has always had that control and it’s now gone. She is totally dependent on others to take care of her needs.

If we live long enough, we may all find ourselves in Mama’s shoes.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Lipstick On Your Collar...Told A Tale On You

I’m a partier from way back. I get it honestly from my Mama who started us off as kids with tea parties in the back yard. With dolls and teddy bears as our guests, we wore dress up clothes and drank kool-aid out of china cups as well as ate vanilla wafers on china plates. Our boxer dog, named Dixie, also endured the wrath of a doll dress to attend the affair.

Most often, my sister and I would coax our little brother into playing with us by offering him additional vanilla wafers and kool-aid, but that never lasted long, and he would be off to the backyard swing.

Which, by the way, was just that…….ONE backyard swing. There were three of us kids, but we only had one rope swing in the back yard. It was a GREAT swing, too! My Daddy had fashioned this swing from a big thick rope and a board with a hole in the center for the rope and a knot tied underneath. It was the most awesome swing ANYWHERE. In fact, each morning when we woke up, we called shotgun on the swing. Only thing was, if you had to pee, your turn was over. Next person in line got the swing……until they had to pee.

Anyway, as I was saying…….parties are my thing. Which is why wedding and elopement planning fits me perfectly! I love it all……right down to the fine details. I want everybody to have the most fabulous time and leave feeling like they can’t wait for the next one! ………But that’s just me.

I remember several years back, when I was a banker, our bank hosted the annual Business After Hours Christmas party every year. It was always fabulous with the best in ordirves’, drinks, mixing, and mingling, and of course the most beautiful Christmas decorations you’ve ever seen adorned our Bank lobby. It was truly the “event” of the year for the local Chamber of Commerce and our bank welcomed the opportunity.

On one such Christmas party, I was mixing and mingling and having a good time. All of my banking buddies were there as well, and since we had been working all day, we took the opportunity to….how should I say….get down with our bad selves. Ha! You have to remember, our customers were also there as well as our bosses! There was not too much getting down with our bad selves, unless we were willing to risk our jobs.

So I had this good friend/banking buddy, let’s just call him Gary, that had recently married and he was at the party, as well. Gary was easy going and laid back and had a few drinks like the rest of us, and because he had recently married, he found himself being greeted by lots of women, very good looking women, I might add, with congratulation wishes on his recent marriage. And thus, being the recipient of lots of hugs and kisses from most of them. One particular female came in pretty close on him and left lipstick on his collar. Let me tell you, the rest of us laughed and laughed about it because we knew how jealous his new wife was and although he was totally innocent, he surely would have some explaining to do when he got home that night.

Why is it so much funnier when someone else has the problem?

Next morning, I couldn’t wait to find out how my buddy, Gary had faired with the wife and the lipstick on his collar.

Me: “Hey Gary, what did your wife say about the lipstick on your collar?”

Gary: “Oh, I took care of that. She didn’t see it.”

Me: “How did she miss it?”

Gary: “I took my shirt off before I left the party and threw it out of the car window on my way home…….. It’s all good.”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

Gary: “Nope! I hated it, because it was a brand new dress shirt, but it had to go. It’s somewhere along the side of the road along Vineville Avenue now.”

I never forgot Gary’s solution to lipstick on his collar. 25 years later, we still laugh about that night and the chick that purposely put lipstick on his collar, knowing full well that he had to go home to a brand new wife that night.

And the married guy’s solution to Lipstick on your collar still works today.

Monday, January 18, 2010

First Comes Love...Then Comes Marriage

Most of you know that I am a wedding planner and run a wedding & elopement planning business here on St. Simons Island. Along with planning weddings, I also officiate most of the elopements.  It is truly the best job in the world, as my clients are all in love. Most often the couples walk around in a daze and usually hear love birds cooing and have pink hearts floating in their aura. Their eyes are fixated on each other and whatever the other wants is perfectly fine. Wedded bliss is upon them. Oh, how I love people in love!

So when my phone rang last night at 11:15 pm, as I watched the Golden Globe Awards from my laptop and tweeted on Twitter, I was not too surprised that it might be someone wanting to plan a wedding. Yes, it was pretty late…..but typically, people in love do not keep up with the time.

The surprise was that planning a wedding was not at all what they had in mind…….they wanted to get married right NOW.

Me: “Now? ......Tonight?”

Him: “Yes, tonight!”

Me: “But why do you have to get married tonight?”

Him: “We are so in love….we just can’t wait any longer.”

Me: “Are you over 18? Do you have your ID? Do you have your marriage license? Are you sober? Where do you live? How long will it take you to get here?”

So after giving them the basic, “Are you sure you want to do this…20 questions deal”, I was convinced, and gave them directions to my house. I say I was convinced, but not before I hung up and called Luke to see if he was playing a joke on me. I DO have to watch my back, you know.

It was Sunday and I had been lazy all day. Napping, playing on FB, Twittering, watching a little football on TV, doing basically…… nothing……which is exactly the way I like it. Except now, I was making a mad dash for the shower while Minor straightened up the living room. I’m just glad I didn’t have to wake Minor up to help me…….because you know I would.

Before they arrived, I had time to go over the brief ceremony in my trusty little brown wedding handbook and also prepare a marriage certificate.

It was 12:45am when the couple arrived, along with the bride’s sister and best friend. They were all dressed in jeans and shirts and feeling very excited and a little giddy. I took their information and instructed everyone as to where they should stand and explained that although this was a very brief ceremony, I encouraged them to listen carefully to the vows as I read them and as they repeated them to each other.

I spoke to them of how God created and designed marriage in his wisdom to enable us to handle the difficulties of life as well as to be a source of companionship and joy…….. of how they should honor Christ and have patience and sacrifice for each other as they come to this new life together.

They were both very emotional and looked intently into each other’s eyes as they repeated their vows. They promised before God and their witnesses to be loving and faithful, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, for as long as they both shall live. Completing the ceremony, I said a prayer for God to strengthen and guide them by His Word and His Spirit that they would be faithful to Him and to each other. I then pronounced them husband and wife and they kissed.

I love my job.

Mr. & Mrs. William Joseph Harner
St. Simons Island, Georgia

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Semi Trucks and Sex On The Beach

I could use a vacation…….doesn’t really matter where, just a weekend get-a-way would be quite enjoyable. Just to sit and relax with a book and a blanket and maybe a glass or two of wine. You know….let someone else wait on me…..SCREECH!!!!!!!!!!! ………..I know.

Minor already waits on me….cooks all my meals…does all the grocery shopping…pays the bills…washes his own clothes…etc. Minor is wonderful to me, but he doesn’t do vacations very well. He loves his work and his responsibilities there and takes them very seriously. Since he never knows when his health issues may cause him to be away from work, he will almost NEVER let me plan a vacation.

He hasn’t always been like that. There was a time when I was the one that it took some coaxing just to get me on a summer vacation with the family. I wanted to go, but getting me there was the problem. Once there, I absolutely enjoyed it, but the trip there was torture. All I could think about was what I forgot to pack, how sad the pets would be without us, and heaven forbid…..what if there was a family emergency and I was not there to take care of it? My mind would be reeling with everything and anything that could happen.

Minor and the kids knew how keyed up I always got, so they would arrange everything so all I had to do was get in the car. And with any luck, fall asleep and by the time I woke up, we would be at our destination. Now isn’t that sweet? You’d THINK so……. Let me just say, nothing comes without a price.

So was the case on one particular vacation trip years ago. I was sleeping soundly in the passenger seat, with my pillow…..dreaming of seagulls and ocean breezes… tubs and spa treatments… guys and………and…….. sex on the beach….and…….


If I jumped an inch, I jumped at least a foot off of the seat! “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”, I yelled.

Minor, Kate, and John, all three, looked at me with a blank, as though they had swallowed the canary. It was obvious that they all KNEW what was going on, but nobody was brave enough to step forward with the truth.

Trying not to laugh, Minor said, “They didn’t mean to do it..”

“WHAT DID YA’LL DO?”, I asked, as I turned to the backseat and evil eyed the two of them.

They both began to smirk a smile and Kate opened up with, “Well, you know how you told us how you could do this arm motion to those big truck drivers and sometimes they will honk their horn? Well, that truck driver knew what that meant!”

It seems that Kate and John were in the backseat, over at the car window, arm motioning the truck driver like CRAZY! So when the truck driver noticed them he just pulled his horn chain REPEATEDLY…….right at my passenger side door. I’m sure he enjoyed the hell out of THAT! Thanks a LOT, buddy! If my window had been open, I might have completely jumped out of the car.

*sniff, sniff* I was about to cry. I had just had the crap scared out of me and my heart was about to jump out of my chest….

I looked at all three of them as they giggled……. even Minor was laughing.

I’m so much entertainment for my family.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm A Believer.....Or At Least Mama Is

I came from a long line of “believers”.  And when I say “believers”, I mean the “psychic” kind.  As a child, Santa Claus left me an 8 ball to give me direction for my life.  A few years later, my Mama taught me to read fortunes with a deck of cards and a book of meanings.  Later on, a ouija board became my key to the psychic world.  And who knew you could get all the answers for your life for ony $9.99 at the local K-Mart?  What a deal!!

So it didn’t surprise me one bit when my Mama came by to pick me up on her way to her appointment with her personal psychic.  She had it all planned out……

I was pregnant with Kate at the time and due any day so Mama decided that she would help me out by taking me to her personal psychic to get the scoop on this baby.  Finally, after her insistence on me going along, I said, WTH, and stuffed myself into the front seat of her car…..which is another obstacle in itself, since Mama is only 4’10” and has the seat pulled up under the windshield. 

On the way there, Mama gives me all the details of this personal psychic guy and how he knows all these things that no one else could possibly know.  She rattles on, “He is not like all the rest of the psychic’s out there, just trying to get your money.  Oh no, he doesn’t need your money!  He has plenty of money!  And I think he gives me a better price than he gives everyone else, too.  He only charges me $5 for a complete reading.  I can probably get the same price for you, too, since you’re my daughter.”

As Mama goes on and on……I begin to stare out the passenger window, wondering where I lost control of my life.  Here I am, 10 months pregnant, on my way to a psychic’s house with my Mama.

I knew something was not quite right the second we turned into the housing complex.  Every apartment building was exactly the same and each included no less than a dozen children playing outside with 2 bicycles each.  After we drove the entire complex, it became obvious to me that Mama didn’t remember which apartment this psychic guy lived in.  GREAT!  “Mama, let’s just go home and come back another time.”, I begged.  “No, no, no!  I’ll find it in a minute!”, she replied.

And she did.  It was the apartment that had 10 people standing in line outside in the hot sun waiting to go in.  So Mama parked her car, and kept reassuring me that it was going to be fine. 

As we took our place in the back of the line, a heavy set older woman in a floral print cotton house dress, no make up, hair twisted up in sponge curlers, came to the screen door and said the Reverend could see 2 more.  At least the line was moving quickly. 

Mama caught the woman before she shut the door and said, “Excuse me, but my daughter is pregnant and due any day…..could she sit down inside where it’s cooler to wait?”  I took a deep breath and said, “No, Mama, I’m fine….really.”  Just then, the fat lady at the door answered with, “I guess so.”

So I followed Mama inside, ahead of all the other “believer’s” waiting in line, to a tiny little room with green tiled floor, wood paneling on the walls, aluminum folding chairs, and a floor fan.  An 8 X 10 walmart framed picture of Jesus was hung crooked on the wall among faded out pictures of someone’s kids.

Mama picked up an Enquirer magazine that was on an end table and made herself comfortable.  I just wanted this to be over with.
I leaned over and whispered to Mama, “I thought you said this guy had money.”

“Oh, he does!  He just doesn’t want anyone to know.”, she answered.

I just nodded my head and said, “Oh.”

Just then, the door to the Reverend’s room opened and a middle aged woman came out along with the Reverend.  He walked her to the door and shook her hand goodbye.

The Reverend was an older man in his late 70’s and not at all what I was expecting a Psychic to look like.  He went back to his room and the fat lady in introduced me to the Reverend and he began telling me that I was pregnant and would deliver any day.  It would be a fine healthy baby and probably a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.  

It was damned obvious that I was pregnant and due any day.  I have blonde hair and blue eyes, so that was a pretty good guess, and he at least had a 50/50 chance of getting the sex right.  I’m not sure how long he talked, and I don’t really remember anything earth shattering.

I paid my $5 and Mama and I left.  She talked the entire way back to my house of her experiences with the Reverend and his Psychic ability.  I was just glad to finally get home. 

And yes, the Reverend’s predictions were all correct.  Imagine that.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Just Jump

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much... for fear that the other person does not care as much, or doesn't care at all. But if you truly care for them.....does it really matter? I don't think so.

Sometimes, the most important things are the hardest to say. We should never be afraid to tell someone we love them. If we tell them we love them, they might break our heart... but if we don't tell them, we might break theirs.

Life is all about risks and it requires us to jump.

I don't want to ever look back and wonder what relationships I could have mended, or what relationships I may have missed out on. No one waits forever...

When you love someone, say it. Say it right away, or the moment just passes you by and you may never get the chance again.

People live....... but people die.