Thursday, October 16, 2008

It's Just A Little Bitty Taser Gun

With Luke's birthday coming up next week, I decided to go ahead and purchase the party decorations and game toys. Yes, that's right. GAME TOYS.

I was thinking a pocket taser stun gun would be great fun and I could even use it later as protection against a mugger or whatever. So I checked the stun guns out at Pansy's Pawn Shop yesterday over on the mainland. The one I bought is a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser aren't supposed to last long, and no long term effects at all. Just long enough so that I could get myself to safety, if necessary.

So I got the taser home and was a little disappointed that it only used 2 triple A batteries. I mean, how bad could THAT be? So I was sitting here in the living room looking around for someone or something to try it out on. The directions said that a 1 second burst would shock and disorient your assailant. A 2 second burst could cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control. And a 3 second burst would probably make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish.

In walks Luke. There he sat in his tee shirt and shorts and with his glasses on. He was none the wiser. I thought to myself, there is no way 2 little bitty triple A batteries could do anything to this great big guy. I mean, how bad could one little tiny burst be?

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

So I sat down next to Luke on the couch and smiled up to him. Oh, he is was so unsuspecting.

As he smiled back, I touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE FUCK ! ! !

I didn't see him, but I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan must have come in, picked Luke up, and body slammed him over and over and over again!

When Luke came to, he was on his side in a fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

The cat was clinging to a picture frame above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by Luke's body flopping all over our living room.

A minute or two later, after Luke had collected his wits, he sat up. His bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. His triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. His face looked like it had been shot up with novocain and he had no control over the drooling. Apparently he pooped on himself, but his sense of smell was gone, and he must have been numb from the waist down, so he didn't realize it. I saw a faint smoke cloud above his head which I believe came from his hair. We're still looking for his nuts and offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Man, that was a fun toy! I hope Luke wakes up in time for the party.

If you can't make it to the party and all the fun, send birthday cards to:

Luke Smith
110 Peachtree Street
St. Simons Island, GA 31522

Monday, October 13, 2008

Don't Lick It

The Arts and Crafts Festival here on St. Simons Island was this past weekend and having a vendor booth was a new experience for us. I was a bit apprehensive going into the weekend, but Luke kept cracking the whip on me and pushing for more, more, more! I finished 25 dozen Santas (with the help of Kate) and Luke actually painted the first coat of paint on at least 1 of those dozen.

So I felt comfortable with my inventory and we had high hopes for good weather, lots of buyers, meeting lots of people, and more fun than you can imagine. We were NOT disappointed!

We only had 1 1/2 weeks to prepare for this festival, and were not as prepared as we would have preferred to be, although we sold a lot and made some good money at it. It was a wonderful experience for our 1st time in though, and we came away with lots of knowledge to take home with us for future festivals.

Luke's photography ( will add a much needed boost going forward and we'll have time to get those prints ordered and prepared to sell for next month. Our personalities, as well as our artistry, complement each other and that is a VERY good thing for our partnership when it comes to selling.

On 1 occasion when an interested buyer walked into our booth, she was eying the freshly painted Santas, and pondering over the selections.

Luke said, "Those are oyster shells that Miss Carla found here on St. Simons Island. I found 2 or 3 of them though, but my name's not Carla."

I said, "Yes, he found at least 2 or 3 of them by kicking the shell with his toe in the sand and saying, "Here's one right here, Miss Carla". But, yes, the shells are all found on the beaches here."

Luke added, "Yeah, the shells are from East Beach and the moss is from the trees in Miss Carla's backyard and the paint is from China. So don't lick it."

Luke also had lots of opportunity to check out the other photography booths and also found lots of model subjects for his portfolio. He has a way with folks that just makes them love him. Lucky for him.

A Mother and Daughter were here from Washington State and were having so much fun with us about our thick Southern accent. The Daughter said she had asked another Southerner here to repeat their sentence 3 times before she realized they were speaking English. Now THAT'S funny, ya'll.

There were times we were having so much fun, Luke won't even allow me to divulge it.

I'm calling that "leverage" over him. Ya'll, as Luke's pseudo Mom, I have the goods on him this time. Only a Mom could help him out in the way I helped him. It was just short of wiping his butt. I'm loving that leverage.

We met and talked with so many wonderful people from all over the U.S. and it was absolutely AWESOME! We can hardly wait until the next Festival to do it all over again!

And don't forget to go to my profile page to order your St. Simons Santa for Christmas this year!

Friday, October 10, 2008

He Could Be A Screamer

Most of you know that I have been diligently working to find Luke a wife. I'm not saying this is a problem, but it has come to my attention that the hair on his back could be a drawback. So I've been working on a solution.

I have obtained 6 tranquilizer darts from the local large animal Vet's office that I think will do the trick. One dart in the buttocks should slow his ass down and a second dart should take him right out. If we all work as a team, we could strip him down and pour hot wax over his backside. There is a chance he might wake up during the hair removal process, and he could be a screamer and try to escape, so we may have to stuff a sock in his mouth and use restraints. There are additional darts in case things begin to go awry. Let me know if you are in on it and we can make our plans accordingly.

Life On The Edge

This has been one helluva week! The highs have been way high and the lows have been way low. My family can vouch for the fact that with provocation, I can go from zero to bitch in 5.2 seconds. And it takes a lot longer than that to bring me back.

Do you think I may have skipped my meds?

No matter. I'm back now and it's Friday.

In other news, Hurricane Hanna skipped over us and at last report was headed straight for the Carolinas. Sorry, all you guys up there, but I sure am glad she chose you over us this time. We still have other chances, according to Ike and Josephine.

Living life on the edge can be so exciting!

We Are Family . . . Really

Since some of you have had questions lately regarding the relationship between Luke and my family, I felt that I needed to explain.

Luke is not blood related to us, but he is our adopted son. It all began several years ago when Luke's biological family disowned him back home. There are many reasons this all came to a head, but I will only list a few.

Most of you are aware that Luke is 6'9" and well, he outgrew their door frame.

Next he shaved his head bald, thinking it would take an inch or two off, but didn't happen. He could no longer fit in any of their vehicles and he had also torn up a few ceiling fans. He began eating anything that didn't eat him first, and they could no longer support his big boy habits. Once he left his spit cup on the coffee table and you guessed it, the old man drank some.

Then, to top that off, he started messing around with more than one woman at a time. I know it's hard to believe, but that's right. At first they thought they could live with it, but then he got too big for his britches and that was all it took.

When he came to us, he was a lonely boy looking for a family to love him no matter what. He was broken and his ego was shot. Although the men in our family are no taller than 6', we decided to make an exception because he is so lovable and hugs us a lot.

AND he agreed to grow some hair. We didn't realize exactly what that would mean until we saw this.

But that's OK, he can't help it. Our hearts went out to him after he explained his sad story and he begged us to take him in and put his picture on our refrigerator.

In order to accomodate him, we made subtle changes in our home, such as labeling all the door frames with a "caution low overhead" sign,

taping toilet paper to the ceiling fans,

stocking our fridge with hot sauce and Dr. Pepper's, and insisting that he furnish his own transportation. We vacuum the bed each morning and use lots of drain cleaner. We don't mind his tabacco habit since we don't drink after him and NO ONE can do anything about the women in his life, so we just let that one go.

We do have to check him whenever he leaves the house to make sure his clothes are ironed and put on right side out. He also has a hard time remembering to zip up, so we have to check that too. Everything is working out fine so far except I think his name is peed into the grass on the front lawn.

In My Midnight Confessions

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say To Ten Different People Right Now:

1. You scare me, a little.

2. Did you forget about me?

3. You and I both know you were wrong.

4. You have no reason to be jealous.

5. Don't try out for American Idol.

6. You make me smile.

7. It's not about you.

8. Don't give up your day job.

9. It still hurts.

10. Do you think about me sometimes? I think about you sometimes.

Nine Things About Myself:

1. I haven't always been this fat and I hate it.

2. I smile and laugh a lot and I like it.

3. I will never tell a secret.

4. I have a keen sense of right and wrong.

5. I love fiercely.

6. When I'm sad, my family is sad too.

7. I cannot catch a baseball, so DON'T throw it to me.

8. I have an extra sense about certain people.

9. I say exactly what's on my mind. Usually.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

1. Cook for me.

2. Clean up after yourself.

3. Cut my grass.

4. Look me in the eye and tell me you love me.

5. Hug, comfort, and respect me.

6. Spend time with me.

7. Sleep with me.

8. Bring home the bacon.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot:

1. I've got a lot to do.

2. My family and friends.

3. What a beautiful place this island is.

4. How blessed I've been.

5. What to cook for supper.

6. Losing weight.

7. Selling real estate.

Six Things I do Before I Fall Asleep:

1. Sign off my computer.

2. Check the doors.

3. Put on my gown.

4. Turn off the lamp.

5. Kiss Minor and tell him I love him.

6. Close my eyes.

Five People Who Mean A Lot:

1. Minor

2. The rest of my family

3. Luke

4. Herbert

5. Pam

Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now:

1. Denim shorts

2. Green shirt

3. Beige undies

4. Glasses

Three Songs I Listen To Often:

1. Dancing On The Ceiling - Lionel Richie

2. Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Car - Billy Ocean

3. Breathless - The Corrs

Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Own a beach side cottage.

2. See my children and loved ones happy and secure with their lives.

One Confession:

1. 2 drinks and I'm suddenly a table top dancer.

How To Save A Life

We had a yard sale on Saturday and as always, it turned out quite interesting.

A couple was riding by on their bikes and stopped when something caught their eye. They ended up purchasing a few items and because they were on their bikes, they asked if we could hold the items until they came back later with their van. Sure, no problem.

So we put the items up on the porch and when the yard sale ended at noon, the items had not been picked up yet. Still, no problem, since they had already paid for the items, we knew they would return for them soon.

Several hours later, I was in the kitchen, and Luke hollers out, "WTH are those people doing out there in the front yard?"

Just as I looked, Luke was darting out the front door after this little woman. It seems she and the hubby had come back after their purchases and had stopped their van in the road in front of our house while the wife jumped out to retrieve the items off of our porch. She was running full speed when she grabbed the items and ran back to jump in their van . . . like lickety split!

Luke was just before tackling her to the ground when I saved her life by yelling, "No, wait, she's just coming back for the items she purchased earlier. Please don't kill her!"

Man 'o man, did I save her neck!! Luke is a big guy and he could have done damage to that poor little woman.

It seems the reason the woman was running was because there was a car on the road right behind them when they stopped their car and the woman was hurrying so as not to inconvenience the driver by making them wait too long.

I would have felt really bad if Luke had body tackled the little woman who was every bit of 90 pounds soaking wet with his 300 pound body slam.

She would have died, right here in our front yard.

With that said, we are all feeling much safer with Luke's presence around the house these days.

My Unbreakable Headlock

I had a great afternoon riding around the island with Luke, looking for good photo ops. The weather was perfect and I know Luke got some excellent photos. Check his website at often to see his newest images.

While we were at Christ Church Frederica, I came across a lime tree with limes everywhere! I thought they were pomegranates (not ripe yet), but Luke said they were limes. I picked 2 and brought them home to have with my next Margarita.

While Luke and I were out and about, Kate took Ryan to be fitted for glasses. He is going to look so cute in glasses, I can hardly wait. Besides the fact that Ryan will be able to see better, the glasses should help draw attention away from his drooping eyelid. His glasses should be ready in a week or so, and you know I'll have plenty of pics.

On the way home, Luke and I stopped at KFC for fried chicken while Kate put on the potatoes for some homemade mashed potatoes to go with with the chicken. Minor got home from work right on time and John and Brad came over too, so there was 7 of us for supper. Between John, Brad, and Luke, they had us all in stitches with their humor and wit.

After supper, I reminded Luke that I needed to whoop his ass before he left, so he needed to hold still a minute. I had to whoop up on him with my unbreakable head lock.

And for some reason, I don't think it was painful enough. He is way too relaxed in this picture to be in any kind of pain. All in fun, though.

Hold My Ladder, I'm Whooping Your Ass

Why do the men in my life love it when I am pissed? Why do they find it so fricking funny?

Minor, John, and Luke. They love to think of things to get me all riled up so my feathers start flying and then they sit back and laugh at me. It can't be THAT entertaining!

They all swear they don't do it on purpose, but I don't know if I believe it or not. It seems like they are in cahoots.

For the last several days, Luke has been making it known to all his friends and subscribers that he hates post dated blogs and was unsubscribing to anyone who post dated their blogs. No problem for me, since I wasn't post dating. Or I THOUGHT I wasn't post dating. Seems that I WAS post dating and maybe I'm in the wrong time zone. That's a for sure, actually. But my point here is that he talks to me on the phone everyday, several times a day, and he NEVER mentioned to me that my blogs were coming up post dated on his blog subscriptions.

He damn well unsubscribed me! YES, HE DID!

When he gets here tonight, I'm gonna climb up on my step ladder and . . . and . . . well . . . I don't know yet, but I'll think of SOMETHING!

And Minor, he's just glad it's Luke this time, and not him. Laughing, he asked, "You sure are typing hard on that keyboard . . . what did he do?"

And Kate, she's walking around here smiling. "I'm just glad he screwed up. It takes some of the pressure off of me for awhile."

John said, "Who cares, Mama? It's just Myspace. Ha! Ha!"

Meanwhile, my phone starts ringing. Minor starts laughing again and says, "Oh shit, the boy's in for it now."

It's Luke and he is acting clueless as to why I am upset, but his laughing gives it away. (Oh, he knows.)

So in my "mad" voice, I said everything I thought he needed to know, while he tried, unsuccessfully to hold back laughing. When I was done, he said he was sorry, so I'm good now.

I'm still gonna get my step ladder and whoop his ass when he gets here.